Saturday, December 29, 2007

Those Round Robins

It's that time again. The visitors have left, the house is almost restored to normality and I have no more excuses for ignoring that pile of Round Robins I found inside Christmas cards from people I hardly remember. I feel obliged to plough through this mountain of details about holidays, quarrels, reconciliations, births, scholarships, sporting achievements, new clothes, operations etc etc even though I'm sure that if we were that close or interested in each other I would know already! I don't have the courage to simply commit them all to the recycling box just in case I bump into one of the writers and am expected to know all about their auntie's beloved dog's operation.

* DISCLAIMER: Yes, I know I blog! But no-one is obliged to read it and people only come upon RD by chance, not because I've told them about it. And, of course, I am not referring to any members of my family or my friends both real and virtual in this seasonal moan!

Another thing that really annoys me is the Email Round Robin. In some ways they are worse because they go on all year. I can't remember who sent me this rather lovely response to them but feel free to send it to everyone!

Dear All

With the New Year upon us, I'd like to extend my heartfelt appreciation to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to forward me emails over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and healthy.

* Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

* Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

* Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.

* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

* I no longer go to shopping centres because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.

* I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

* I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

* Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the
internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

* I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the £150,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.

Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on
your head at
5:00PM this afternoon. I know this will occur
because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's
ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

What a relief that the Season of Goodwill has ended and I can go back to being grumpy and unsociable. Oh dear, now you won't believe me when I wish you all a Happy New Year! I take it all back.


  1. I always enjoy the very detailed accounts of the many bouts of surgery endured by close relatives of one of my many cousins, not to mention the various (and mostly unpleasant) post-surgical procedures that she appears to be required to carry out for her nearest and dearest. Although I don't enjoy them quite as much as - and how can I put this diplomatically? - the equally detailed descriptions we used to received chronicling her late mother's digestive functions.

    Then there the friends whose first visit to Venice was marred only by the unexpected arrival of - a hernia. I bet that was fun.

    If you didn't get Simon Hoggart's The Christmas Letters: The Ultimate Collection of Round Robins in your stocking, see if you can wangle a late gift from someone. Failing that, I'll lend you his two previous RR collections: The Hamster That Loved Puccini: The Seven Modern Sins of Christmas Round Robin Letters and The Cat That Could Open the Fridge: A Curmudgeon's Guide to Christmas Round Robin Letters. I think I can safely say that you will be laughing all the way from here to next Christmas.

    Toodle pip!

  2. We tend to get falsely modest accounts of children's and grandchildren's achievements in everything from egg and spoon races to doctorates in obscure languages. It used to be one-upmanship in the promotion or publication stakes but we're all in or around retirement now.

    I haven't seen the Simon Hoggart books, they sound like fun.


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